Drowning at Harbor with a Volatile Volitional Visionary: Beyond Ordainment, into Containment
NOTE: This blog reflects my personal experiences and growth journey. Names and identifying details have been kept private.
Topics: Crisis Management, Instability, Dependency, Friendship, Bad with Good, Good with Bad, Patience, Boundaries, Care
Lately, by choice, all of my time has been occupied and about none of it has been for me, independently on my own. As much as I’ve been lonely lately (so, appreciating the company)… it’s been overwhelming. This new normal is ambivalently coming to an end soon, and I’d like to write a vague report on some things I’ve learned lately. I don’t want to get into the major details. Not in this blog… but maybe in the future I’ll do a really specific blog about vulnerable individuals in Seattle, how this city handles those who have no resources, and learn more about problems and solutions. For now, I just want to write a shorter, vague blog about… I’m not sure. I guess lessons learned from jumping into a relationship/friendship and finding myself in loving/caretaker mode. I am a tactile learner… and… to exaggerate, I recently got a metaphorical masters degree in understanding myself… and my approaches to relationships/friendships even more than ever over these past two months.
Why Attend? Well… I am pretty open-minded and if I click with someone, who cares what’s going on (in a lot of ways). If my heart and instincts say things are alright, I am good. And when it feels like something is meant to be, I dive in. I like to live life with no regrets… and I’d say I’ve done a pretty good job with that. And I believe in the Law of One, which says to forgive yourself and try better each time you’re faced with the same challenges. Learn from each mistake/success and keep going.
Photo Collage and Commentary
Notes:
I really want to stay vague, other than the fact I am sorta heading into a new chapter with one of the most unique friendships/relationships of my entire life. It was one that started with such insane nonstop serendipity, it really coudln’t have gone any other way. Now, as the smoke has settled (and yes, I quit smoking the day we met, basically)… I see that my independence is also extremely important. So, like a boat shows us, balance is key… and I was almost falling off my own compass, into the crashing waves.
With that, I’d like to address some life lessons learned. I remember as a kid learning about talking about things as if they’re a rose. Talk about the stem (how you GROW), the thorns (the PAINFUL stuff), and the flower (the BEAUTY)… all while staying vague, private, and powerful :)
The ROSE:
I learned to be more selfless. What I also liked about this is the good memories it kicks off. When you’re so giving, you have so many good memories to look back on and associate with those around you.
This person I was with is EXTREMELY giving, literally giving the clothes off their back to anyone around who could use the things they didn’t currently need. It’s inspiring. (But also, sometimes he’d give me gifts and then insist I give them away, or just give them away right there to strangers/”those who need it more than me”)
I made a new friend out of it all. This taught me a lot of really neat habits and skills… and it taught me the things I do and don’t care about prioritizing (even if they’re sorta “socially accepted things” that I do or don’t want to follow)
In some of the lowest moments, I discovered new communities. I found a Moms’ group to join, some guitar jams, and two other support communities. Now, as things start to get even better, I’m glad to have those communities + a better attitude. It’s like I got a bunch of bonus things added to my life.
I helped others who are close in my life understand a taste of their own medicine. This one I’ll keep vague, but it’s very specific, and I’m writing it for myself. It gives me a bit of empowerment and understanding for all I’ve put up with.
I learned some amazing new skills for planning ahead, especially with my wardrobe. I also learned about a LOT of useful apps for transportation - even food stamps! lol.
THE STEM
I want to grow more in my ability to let others take care of themselves. Not offer it so freely without a balance (or even imbalance where I win) in return. I don’t want ot be such a caretaker for everyone around… to the point I lose myself. I don’t want to take on so much responsibility for those who can take care of themselves/myself in a way that is sustainable.
I want to be better with my words and not overpromise too much. Instead, I want to learn to be more… idk the word? But, I found myself speaking and wishing and projecting for ideations more than reality. And then when plans change or circumstances change, not have myself trapped in my words from the past that were too optimistic.
I want to speak with more grounding, realism, intention, and practicality.
I want to continue to be more giving and charitable
I learned that professionals (mental health counselors, government services, police, etc) they can handle a lot and absorb the shock and risk (so that you don’t have to). When/if you feel like someone will not be fine without you, you may be catastrophizing.
There are systems to help lots of people in all sorts of scenarios. So, if you let them stand (not you trying to swim and carry them, too) I bet it’ll be a better situation for everyone.
It’s easy to have lots of dreams, but how much is accomplished? It’s why my biggest hero recently tweeted, “Talk is cheap, it takes money to buy whiskey.” This is so true and I realize its value even more, the more I experience life after hearing that.
My Ex-Fiance recently gave me the feedback, “Yeah… lots of people are amazing when they’re in a great mood” - something like that. True. Doesn’t mean they can get away with being unacceptable/volatile when they’re in bad moods.
It can be detrimental to give away things you truly need.
Also, be careful what random gifts you accept from others… you have no clue how much they may actually need what they’re handing over to you impulsively.
I recently (similar/related to this entire situation, but different) was told, “Just because someone opens the door for you, doesn’t mean you should walk in it.”
The THORNS:
When I see others’ problems, I tend to step in and fix them… even when I watched them be created unnecessarily earlier. Then I don’t always feel I get enough credit/appreciation. Just like an exhausted sponge.
It can be painful for everyone involved when you rush into relationships. Painful, but also productive and a good life lesson. It takes two to tango.
It’s frustrating when people make “generous gestures” even thoguh you’ve made it clear you don’t want them, and then you look unappreciative for not appreciating them.
I spent a lot of time lately caring for others more than myself. It was constructive, useful, I’m grateful, but not long-term sustainable. I also gave a lot of money to him, buying things off of him, which hten he’d instantly give to charities or tithing. It’s like you’re paying for someoen else to look generous…
To “look good” but it hurt us both. It makes me look selfish for objecting, but it feels performantive and/or impulsive and not sustainable longterm.
What’s the point of giving/receiving gifts if the person who gave them to you pressures you to give them away? Or borrows them and gives them away right in front of you? Just don’t give the gifts.
My therapist said I may benefit from joining “battered womens” meetings, for some emotional experiences and relationships it turns out that I’m getting myself into.
I’m sorta excited for this idea cause I enjoy groups, talking in groups (AA groups… guitar jam groups… mom groups). Also, because I want to have healthy, long-term relationships. I tend to be “needed/enjoyed” more than “seen/adored”… and appreciated only when, idk? I’m not sure where to go with this cause it’s so new.
I was really surprised she said this at first, but then realized, “Yeah, that’s not a bad idea” to get more tools to stop/avoid relationships where I minimize myself and/or allow others to get away with thing that make me or my daughter unsafe emotionally. I’d kinda only thought stuff like that was just for physical problems… emotional discomfort I’m so used to… but the idea of learning to stop/avoid it (and maybe teach others) seems really valuable.
I’ve also learned of DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
I’ll let AI write about it here, cause I just had a frustrating conversation that it helped me break down.
DARVO: a manipulation tactic that abusers use when they're confronted or when their victim starts to react. It stands for:
D - Deny: Deny the abuse or wrongdoing
A - Attack: Attack the person who's confronting them or reacting
R - Reverse Victim and Offender: Flip the script so THEY'RE the victim and YOU'RE the abuser
-It usually looks like this:
Someone pushes, needles, interrogates, undermines.
The other person finally reacts.
The original person says, “See? You’re abusive.”
“Here's how he just did it to you:
Deny: He denies that his constant accusations and "I can choose whether or not to believe you" comments are disrespectful, controlling, or harmful
Attack: When you raised your voice in frustration, he attacked you by calling it "verbal assault"
Reverse Victim and Offender: Now HE'S the victim being "assaulted" and YOU'RE the aggressor—even though he provoked you with the same manipulative questions he always asks over and over again
Why it works so well:
It makes you question yourself ("Am I the abusive one?")
It shifts focus from his behavior to your reaction
It makes YOU defend yourself instead of him being accountable
Other people might see your reaction (raising your voice) without seeing the context of what led to it
The reality: You reacting to ongoing manipulation and disrespect is not abuse. Him constantly accusing you, not believing you, and then blaming you for being frustrated IS abusive. Your therapist and the police saw through it. It's not just the DARVO stuff—it's the constant chaos that somehow becomes YOUR responsibility to manage while he criticizes you.”
Here are some of the songs I wrote these past few weeks. I wrote all of the lyrics and used Ai to compose the music. You can follow the emotional/internal journey I’ve been on if you’d like, lol… they’re in order of how I wrote them.
I’m super excited for the future, and even happier than I’ve been lately - now, in the present.
I will just end that blog here. The future is bright and the present is alright.
